What the hell happened?? Everything's in arial font now.. ahhh, yes.
Good old fashioned, conservative arial font. Tried and true.
In case you didn't know, my latest interview with Marlon Magas is accessible by clicking here.

Well, here's some news that is probably best reserved for next month, but it's just so goddamned exciting, I have to put it up RIGHT now.
Missourians, take note:

Melt-Banana, August 14th at the Rocket Bar, St. Louis, MO.

Yes. Let's hear it for the Japanese! Fuckin' King Brothers, Melt-Banana, Guitar Wolf, DESTROY 2!!!, not to mention a million other great Japan-based garage bands that Mr. Velocity Hopkins can name off the top of his head.. y'know, some people might think "stodgy," or "inhibited" when they think of Japan, but when you see, and hear bands like these; those are the LAST words that should come to mind. These young rocksters do not give fuck one! No sir!

And speaking of pure, unadulturated, self-sacrificing ROCK, and that's big "R" rock with a BIG fucking "R," man! Yeah.. Arab on Radar. It's been some time back since these guys came to town, but it's definitely worth mentioning, and that I haven't until now is an offense surely punishable by international law.

Every time I think about these Providence, Rhode Island rock-ass genius mothafuckas, I just piss my britches. I could say "it was the best show ever," but really.. why allow for such mediocrity.
I daren't sully the good name of Arab on Radar with such a tired description of their otherworldly rocking prowess. Let's just say that it was a good night for socially destructive, hipster-decimating, "critic"-confounding, give-your-buddy-a-DDT fucking BALLS NAILED TO MY GODDAMNED BEDROOM WALL ROCK AND FUCKING ROLL.

And could even ONE TENTH of the jean-jacket-clad, backpack-toting, cat-glasses-wearing, Starbucks-drinking, Tolstoy-reading, fucking pretentious goddamned collective motherfuck of an "audience" appreciate Arab on Radar?? NO!! Did I expect otherwise?
No, not really. They were all probably there to see Phut anyway.

(and I must give credit where it is due. Phut's a good band, sonically. I doubt that they're terribly exciting live, but I can't really say for sure, as I've never seen them play.)

So, after all that shit, remember this! Melt-Banana! August 14th, Rocket Bar! St. Louis!
If you like rock, and you live in Missouri, then by God you'd better be there.
Look for Thee Parlimentarian and yours truly, for we will be the ones at the very front, beating the hell out of each other and re-enacting elaborate pantomimes from 19th century absurdist plays. Yes, really.


Here's the To Live And Shave In Laura Ashley tour dates. Confirmed dates are in CAPS.
Click here for more details.

October 19      Philadelphia, PA at KHYBER PASS
October 20      Cleveland, OH (Speak in Tongues?)
October 21      Green Bay, WI at Concert Cafe, but not positively confirmed
October 22      Chicago, IL
October 23      Detroit (Gold Bar?)
October 24      Rochester, NY at BUG JAR
October 25      Boston (Mass. College of Art, but still to be confirmed)
October 26      Providence, RI at FORT THUNDER
October 27      New York, NY at Menlo Park Fest

You heard it here first, kids. To Live And Do WHAT?? WHO??!
If you don't know, you better ask somebody.

Also, a new release from John Wiese's Helicopter label. Wiese is perhaps best known 'round these St. Louis parts as a contributor to Andy Ortman's Nihilist Records.
From Helicopter comes. . .

MoonLanding Vol.2 featuring:

John Wiese
Bastard Noise
Thurston Moore (oh my . .)

one-sided 7", 33rpm, ltd,200
$3ppd/ $5ppd world

Send all orders to

John Wiese 24846 Walnut St. #205 Newhall CA 91321 USA


Avant-hardcore?? Or just some REALLY shitty scans? You be the judge.


BIG big news from our pal and ex-COUCH/Lake of Dracula mastermind MARLON MAGAS:

The big MM is officially HITCHED! Sorry, ladies. .

Marlon was wed to his long-time girlfriend Bridgette Wilson sometime last week.
We received a letter from Marlon regarding this joyous occasion:


Just got back from our honeymoon.  After getting married on the lush
Presque Isle, in Marquette, Michigan, we headed to Canada.  We spent time
driving through the beautiful wilderness, saw a bear, and ended up in
Toronto.  We stayed there for a couple days and enjoyed it immensely.  We
chucked the idea of going to Niagara Falls and came back through Michigan,
spending a day at the lovely Dilloway Farm. Perfect."

That IS perfect. All of us here at Pie wish Marlon and Bridgette the very best.
Our sincerest congratulations, and here's to your continued success and happiness.

HERE'S a picture of the happy newlyweds. I am not often compelled to say this, but this is a CUTE picture.

Again, best of luck to Mr. and Mrs. Magas.

And, to Marlon's prolific musical career, which continues to this day in his brand new band
PLASTIC SCORPION!! In addition to having contributed a cover of "E Tanta Paura" (or "Too Much Fear") to a compilation, Plastic Scorpion will be coming out with a brand new debut release soon.

Who KNOWS what terrors this man has cooked up??
And what on earth is he going to do with a ROLAND GROOVEBOX??!  I'm scared already. .


War Crimes Tribunal is laboring hard, day and night, to ensure the demise of the French.
That's right, the Tribunal's latest release is a great big FUCK-A YOU to the simple simon song stylings of lusterless wonders like Daft Punk, Air and Casius. An audio reaming that leaves you, the listener and fan, with dysentary of the ears and a craving for more punishment.

Also in the works: a War Crimes pot fuck album! J. "Shirts" Sublette vs. J. "Skins" Fisher in a Texas Hellsnatch Match! Holy shit! 3 songs from each man, fight to the fucking FINISH!
If you thought Marlon Magas vs. Mr. Velocity Hopkins was the mother of all battles, these 2 will make even the roughest, toughinest brawl between now wave heroes seem like sissy boxin'! Armageddon!!!!!!


To Live and Shave In LA is getting ready to tour. Here's the low-down from Tom Smith,
SANS dates. Check back with us in a few days for those.

"The line-up of the band has been fluid as ever (our auxiliary members are free to come and go as they
wish, rather like a prison work-release program, no?), but yesterday it was finalized (at least for the nine forthcoming tour dates).

It could be pretty goddamned amazing (if we manage to coalesce):

Francis Falestra (aka Mr. Rat Bastard) will, as always, be performing on bass guitar. Rat has
another, infinitely more annoying group called The Laundry Room Squelchers, and, when not, er,
'improvising' with very attractive Latin women for 14 hours at a stretch (as is the LRS' usual modus op),
also happens to be a kick-ass engineer and producer. His work on last October's Liquor Drink CD by
Frosty was fucking excellent (he recorded the tracks 'Mattress Pad' and 'Gorilla'). South Beach Studio,
the joint he runs on (guess...) Miami Beach's Washington Avenue, is an absurdly professional facility. And
Rat's Esynch label brought Planet Earth the first two Harry Pussy singles, so, y'know, case closed. Whilst
on stage, Rat has no patience for anything save total destruction. (This ain't hyperbole, trust me.)

Mr. Nandor Nevai will again be heading TLASILA's still-embryonic percussion division. Nandor is a
great goddamn drummer, period. Plus he sings, plays any instrument, scores and arranges, and tends to
wake in a variety of impossibly disagreeable moods. Steer clear of Mr. Nevai between 9 a.m. and 1
p.m. He first toured with To Live and Shave on our 1995 Midwestern swing, and his way stellar drum 'n' vox
exertions grace the forthcoming God and Country Rally! album (now - dare I say? - set for an August
release on SF's Vulgar Tango). NN will again man the tubs, and supply vocals whenever the mood strikes.
His tastes are immaculate, and his new Flemish Masters imprint will reflect that gilded malignancy. A
hefty (Hungarian language) tome would have to be commissioned just to begin to properly document the
man's output. Without knowledge of its date of publication, these words will have to suffice: the
MMYouSick? label, Aborted Christ Childe, The Restaurants, Twilights of the Cannibalisms,
and Mila's Clammy Hand.

Youthful Mark Morgan is a Michigan-bred avant-punk with absolutely spot-on appetites (he and I
shared a half-hour gab on the inimitable John Morton just the other eve) and a distressingly trebly
guitar sound. He is TLASILA's neue lead axeman (he also performs the role with his NYC power-fuk trio
Sightings), and his audition (heard over a cordless phone with low battery power)  was too fucking good to
be believed. If you should ever attend one of To Live and Shave's many Make-A-Wish Foundation bowling
tournaments, Mr. Morgan asks that you be kind and spot him a few frames.

Tom Smith formerly performed with Kashif, Junior (yes, that is his plaintive background tenor on
'Mama Used to Say'), and was second lead guitarist with Boards of Canada (before they jumped on the
Tower of Power revival bandwagon). He won $1,000 in Post Cereals' 'Alpha-Bits Word Power '93'
competition for creating the improbable anagram 'Alan Licht' out of the word 'pussy.'

Miss Misty Martinez has a sweet, plump ass which whispers not "supremacy," but "sodomy." She
shook it previously with  David S. Ware's quartet and Gene October's Chelsea (the 1996 reformation), and
now she'll be shaking it for To Live and Shave in Laura Ashley. Her peerless harmonium work was cited at
some length in the November 1986 issue of Forced Exposure (the Eerie Von cover, if you'll recall). Under
hypnosis it was revealed that in 1995 she approached Donald Miller mid-bleat during a Borbetomagus
concert; she bade him lean forward, cupped his (reportedly) tin ear, and purred 'You fucking SUCK, old
man!' (Because of that incident, Miss Martinez lost a very important interview with popular teen scene zine

Weasel Walter is American rock, is the (non-pouf) Chicago scene, is a goddamn one-man
avalanche of indefatigable, mindless/uber-mindful energy. Where to begin with this guy? The Flying
Luttenbachers, maybe, or Lake of Dracula? Hatewave? Adam and the Antz? Vanilla? His Chicago No
Wave and Luttenbachers' web pages? The never-ending stream of gigs, one-off collaborations, film
screenings, and pissing contests? The Ug! Explode label and (sadly sundered) zine? From stints with
Anthony Braxton to his co-founding role in Miss High Heel and beyond, Mr. Walter has demonstrated
beyond any reasonable doubt that he has a tremendous fucking amount of free time on his hands. That he
so effortlessly transmutes indolent matter into pure, solar wind-whipped entropy is testament both to
his latent intelligence and his refusal to maintain proper hygiene. Weasel first played with TLASILA in
1995; he appears (as does Mr. Nevai) on the soon-to-be-released Menlo Park double disk set The
Wigmaker in Eighteenth Century Williamsburg. For the tour, Mr. Walter will be performing on a variety
of instruments (drums, various guitars, sax, etc.).

So, there you have it.

TLASILA is Bastard, Nevai, Walter, Morgan, Martinez, and Smith."

For more Tom Smith action, see Menlo Park Recordings' website.

As you can see, Tom has always been a hit with the ladies.


The website for Zeek Sheck's new "jam" band WOOFPIES can be found at:

$117 goes to the 1st person who successfully figures out what the FUCK is going on around here. New stories, art, and varioius other inexplicable goings-on from Ms. Sheck and friends.
You need Shockwave Flash 3 to see it.

DOMT TROCKK's new CD is nearly ready. . . are you?!


Here's an interview with Weasel Walter.


Burt Reynolds Band is looking for a name change. Send us your ideas!
You COULD win a prize even. Maybe.

This isn't news, per sé. . well, okay. Yeah it is. If it's in the news section, it is, by default, news. So there.

Anyway. Uncle Jeremy, the brand-LITERALLY-spanking new gutiarist for BRB, was the victim of a recent, vicious sneak attack/suprise birthday party. Cookie Soultrain, J. Sublette the ever-sexual Adrian Sexxxsymbol, and myself would represent Pie at said party.  We introduced ourselves as various members of the upstanding now wave community, like Marlon Magas, Weasel Walter, Al Johnson, etc.

All of us, at some point or another, were confronted by shirtless, drunken rednecks. The whole fucking fiasco was made up of johnny rebs and lame stoners. Adrian mentioned something about the song "Chinese Mechanic" by Couch, and was immediately accosted by a thoroughly inebriated good ol' boy (who insisted that he was interrupting his "conversation" and "didn't wanna hear bout no fuckin Chinese.") Drunk fuck. As usual, Mr. Sexxxsymbol, who has been proven time and again by thorough, scientific studies to be tough as FUCKING NAILS, did NOT back down. No one came to blows over this "misunderstanding," though. More tension was added to the situation when J. Sublette said the singular word "TACO." This was interpreted as a racial slur.

Some people truly deserve to be wiped out. People like the ones at this party. Completely obliterated, and any trace of their existence eliminated. Let's hear it for Orwellian thinking. .


Two of our senior representatives, Dale Hawkins and Kyle Riddle (both of TRJK and Eric Crowe Country Jamboree fame) raped and pillaged at a talent show in Cape Girardeau, Missouri a few days ago, winning over the crowd and blowing away the competition with an acoustic cover of Master P's "I Got The Hook Up." Way to go team.

The Burt Reynolds Band page will be remodeled (yet again), this time to include the 2 all new members, Dr. Thunder and Uncle Jeremy. Arms of Vishnu's page should get a facelift soon, as well.

Man. . I need to get a page up for Eric Crowe Country Jamboree. Am I ever lazy.


The rants/editorials/fuckups section has been discontinued, due to lack of anything to write about. New War Crimes Tribunal page. Burt Reynolds Band is starting to sound like Led Zeppelin vs. Couch and Shellac in a 3 Corners Death Match. The change is good.


New Arms of Vishnu EP. 6 or 7 (who's counting, really. .) marathon-length songs of robotic time travel and erotic annoyance.
Tape only. Send $4.00 to:

Pie Records
c/o R. Jaspering
Rt. 1 Box 179
Jonesburg, MO 63351


You young, aspiring musician types:  think rock and roll is easy?
Read this.

click here for archive.